The art of not staring deeply into someone's eyes

I get asked the question quite frequently, "Emily, if I see a cute guy at a bar for instance, how do I actually get up the nerve to make conversation?" Your average dating advice giver might say "Well, duh, make eye contact" as a plausible and seeminly rational first step towards initiating contact. 

However, as a dedicated devotee of pseudo-dating, I would argue the opposite. A key rule of pseudo-dating is to make as LITTLE eye contact as possible. Eye contact = interest = hope, and hope --> expectations. And remember, expectations are the number one no-no. At said party/bar/gathering/cafe, try to make eye contact with everyone BUT the person you are actually into. Talk to his/her friends and acquaintances, dance nearby, make funny and charming jokes within his/her auditory range, but never come into actual, normal contact with this person.  Follow this up by continued avoidance, especially if you see this person on the street the next week or something horrible like that.

This is a key step to drawing out and ensuring your pseudo-dating capabilities. Because, c'mon, who would actually want to date like a normal person?

Follow up letters from NYT article

Here are some letters of response to the New York Times article Emily posted a little ways back. Thought I would share these as they give a balanced and positive response to "The Demise of Dating," by Charles M. Blow. 

Maybe the "hookup" and lack of formal dating is a good thing? Thoughts?

GOBAMA!

Congrats from the ladies of Pseudodating to Perz Obama and VP Biden! Go America!

May the promising change to come also encompass all of your dating lives.

Words of wisdom.

A friend fond of wearing bandanas gave me this pearl of great truth:

Emily, your blog isn't about dating, it's about guys trying to fuck girls and when they realize they can't, giving up.

Hmmm....

Scary movie, new revelation

I recently experienced something in the world of dating that made me thankful for my apparent ability to attract the shy type-- attracting an asshole. It goes like this: meet random dude watching the Blazers game, meet up with him the next night in a public place, everything seems normal, go to movie, have to use physical strength to repel overzealous man in theater, get frightened, go to nearest friend's apartment building to escape and delete creepy man's phone number. 

Basically, what I am getting at is smart women are inherently skeptical, and we are like that for a reason. This experience was a less than pleasant wake up call reminding me of just that. So be careful and don't take that shit. I should have just made a scene in that theater, slapped his face and let everyone know he was a perv. I know I will complain a bit less about the guys I am drawn to being less than daring in the dating department, as the alternative is much much worse. 

A visual representation of the typical pseudo-dating relationship

As illustrated by this representation of my last pseudo dating relationship over time nothing about these relationships are very satisfying. No real highs or lows for the majority of time, but the inconsistency remains evident. One week there seems to be potential, the next you seem pretty sure it is over for good. The thing to remember with PD is that you never know until the next night, expectations (again I know) are your worst enemy. 

Also, notice the point at about Week 8 when things take a turn for the worst, Emily and I refer to this point as the "Oh my God what was I thinking point". It is the moment of clarity when you realize that this there is no future with this person or when all of the things that annoyed you finally materialize all at once as a giant amalgam of unattractiveness in your mind, or both. Once this epiphany has taken place, like the conclusion of your own personal vision quest, it is almost impossible to look at anything having to do with that relationship again. For example, abnormally long male finger nails combined with insecure asshole and unrelenting apathy makes an "Oh my God" moment. 

My final tip: Don't let it last as long as I did. That was a boo boo.   

Problem #2: Jealousy

Hello all! Hope Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever holiday you celebrate is going well. I thought I'd give a little early presnt with my elaboration on the second tenet of pseudo-dating: thou shalt not be jealous (or at least hide it very well).

Jealousy in part stems from problem number one, expectations, as explained by my cohort Darcy. See, the problem with expectations is that they give you a distorted view of what is actually happening (or not happening) between you and person X. So, if you expect person X to call on Friday night, and they do not, it is a slippery slope towards...jealousy.  If on this same night, said person is seen at a bar/party/movie/dinner with ANOTHER person (especially someone of the same sex as yourself), this can easily lead to all-consuming rage (as per ugly Roma girl post). 

Is there a cure for jealousy? Hmm...one could send friends to casually "check out" the going-ons of this couple, while you sit and ponder the future of person X and this other unnamed human. It's obvious, they're in love, they're in a serious relationship which will obviously lead to a lasting and perfect marriage and cute kids and a dog and a nice house and an amazing life, while you are alone for the rest of your days, wondering why your psuedo-dating never led anywhere.

But really, the best cure is this, and I speak from experience: DRINK. I'm not talking a glass of wine with dinner, I'm talking stiff drinks and stout beers until this unpleasant feeling fades into the background.  One caveat: stay away from person X while engaging in this behavior. Drunken crying slurring falling-down messes are no way to win back or show person X how great you really are.