A visual representation of the typical pseudo-dating relationship

As illustrated by this representation of my last pseudo dating relationship over time nothing about these relationships are very satisfying. No real highs or lows for the majority of time, but the inconsistency remains evident. One week there seems to be potential, the next you seem pretty sure it is over for good. The thing to remember with PD is that you never know until the next night, expectations (again I know) are your worst enemy. 

Also, notice the point at about Week 8 when things take a turn for the worst, Emily and I refer to this point as the "Oh my God what was I thinking point". It is the moment of clarity when you realize that this there is no future with this person or when all of the things that annoyed you finally materialize all at once as a giant amalgam of unattractiveness in your mind, or both. Once this epiphany has taken place, like the conclusion of your own personal vision quest, it is almost impossible to look at anything having to do with that relationship again. For example, abnormally long male finger nails combined with insecure asshole and unrelenting apathy makes an "Oh my God" moment. 

My final tip: Don't let it last as long as I did. That was a boo boo.   

Problem #2: Jealousy

Hello all! Hope Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever holiday you celebrate is going well. I thought I'd give a little early presnt with my elaboration on the second tenet of pseudo-dating: thou shalt not be jealous (or at least hide it very well).

Jealousy in part stems from problem number one, expectations, as explained by my cohort Darcy. See, the problem with expectations is that they give you a distorted view of what is actually happening (or not happening) between you and person X. So, if you expect person X to call on Friday night, and they do not, it is a slippery slope towards...jealousy.  If on this same night, said person is seen at a bar/party/movie/dinner with ANOTHER person (especially someone of the same sex as yourself), this can easily lead to all-consuming rage (as per ugly Roma girl post). 

Is there a cure for jealousy? Hmm...one could send friends to casually "check out" the going-ons of this couple, while you sit and ponder the future of person X and this other unnamed human. It's obvious, they're in love, they're in a serious relationship which will obviously lead to a lasting and perfect marriage and cute kids and a dog and a nice house and an amazing life, while you are alone for the rest of your days, wondering why your psuedo-dating never led anywhere.

But really, the best cure is this, and I speak from experience: DRINK. I'm not talking a glass of wine with dinner, I'm talking stiff drinks and stout beers until this unpleasant feeling fades into the background.  One caveat: stay away from person X while engaging in this behavior. Drunken crying slurring falling-down messes are no way to win back or show person X how great you really are.

Spotlight on: Korea

In our never-ending quest to fully understand pseudo-dating, Darcy and I have started a round the world trek to compare the good ole US of A with a variety of other countries. Our first investigation takes us to Korea, South Korea to be specific (and entirely different than North Korea I would expect). 

Does pseuodo-dating exist in this Asian Pacific country, home to over 49,000,000 souls? The answer is NO. Yes, in all caps, NO.

According to our very scholarly research, pseudo-dating is rarely practiced in the country.  Meeting the opposite sex goes as follows: 

1. Boy meets girl

2. Boy texts and calls girl repeatedly

3. Boy gets up nerve to ask girl what she wants to do, and on a specific day. Take note of the word "specific." There is no "Soo....I'm maybe going to like the bars later. Maybe we can meet up or something?" Instead, insert "Hi, I really want to hang out with you, would Thursday night at 9:00pm work for you?"

-If yes --> boy and girl have definitive, solid plans. Boy will continue to call/text girl everyday leading up to the date.

-If no --> boy asks girl "What about Friday?", continuing in this fashion until plans have been made.

4. Relationship ensues. Real, honest-to-god relationship.

Now, this may seem a little too straightforward for our developed American tastes. Darcy and I even thought we may call the boy a "stalker" among other terms, seeing that his persistence could turn south very quickly. This often leads to great confusion among Koreans attempting to date in the US. One friend thinks boys do not like her if they do not call/text immediately after getting her number...she obviously has a long way to go in understanding pseudo-dating.  Sigh.

Nothing to do with pseudo-dating

But hilarious. I always thought the idea of Street View on Google Maps was a bit creepy. What if they caught you doing something....unsavory in front of your house? I guess this runs in the family, as my grandpa has been flicked in front of his house sitting without a shirt on. That is how classy my family is.

Thanks Grandpa!


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Even the New York Times is on it...

Read this, the last sentence in the article:

"It used to be that “you were trained your whole life to date,” said Ms. Bogle. “Now we’ve lost that ability — the ability to just ask someone out and get to know them.”"

Ok, that's it, Darcy and I should start a column for the NY Times.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/13/opinion/13blow.html?_r=1&em

Ugly cafe workers: The no-man's land of psuedo-dating exes

We've all done it. Made that late night call, texted a "what's up" or "how's it going" on the sly when we're feeling bored and lonely. In my case, those fateful messages have ended up going to the inbox of one of my exes. 

However, I made the Numero Uno mistake: EXPECTATIONS. As Darcy explained, these are the death of any psuedo-dating relationship. Once one of the parties involved starts to create these, there is no hope, absolutely none. 

I get this, I know. But with exes, expectations are almost built into the equation; you can't factor them out. You have accumulated so much time with that person, it is near impossible to see them without these. A kiss is not just a kiss, it's the end result of years of dating (even if you are broken up). A kiss is how the relationship started in the beginning --> more --> dating --> more --> relationship status.

But the moral of the story is that you are most likely better off never texting that ex in the first place. What good is it worth? Is one night of a body next to you in bed worth the emotional/mental/physical turmoil it may bring out from hiding? I think not. Trust me. Or else you too will see your ex dating an ugly girl from the coffee shop you frequent EVERY DAY, and it will fill you with rage. At him, at the ugly girl, and at the thought you can't get coffee for who in god's name knows how long.

Cut the cord and do it with style!

When the time comes for the inevitable awkward ending to the pseudo-relationship there are necessary steps one should take in order to come out of the situation with dignity, self-respect, and a dominant victory over the other party involved. The idea is plain and simple, you need to win, and win big. This is not mature, civil or really necessary, but let's all be real here, it is fucking awesome to win.

So, first thing is first, you should be the one to end things if you haven't already been beaten to the punch. It should be done face to face, as bringing the subject up through text or a phone call can lead to confusion as cadence does not often translate through those mediums. Plus, there is the inevitable verbal diarrhea (if you are like myself) that is much easier to understand when accompanied by body language.

Once you have laid down the law, the most important step is to be the one that cares LESS. Typically, you are not that attached to this person anyway so let them know that. Here are some friendly tips:

• Don't make eye contact unless speaking directly to your opposition.
• Buy a new article of clothing, it will catch their eye without being obvious (nothing too skanky ladies, please). Plus, shopping is fun.
• Use humor to your advantage. Sarcastic comments to the other person are effective, mostly harmless, and if done well, fucking funny.
  

ie: take small jabs at appearance, something stupid they have done in the past (preferably when you were pseudo-dating), or point out a small hypocrisy they exhibit. Always do this in front of people so the other person will not get defensive and make a scene. Remember, it is only funny if it is true.

• Always have a great time when you see them in group situations, but don't pay them any attention.
• Most importantly: don't sweat it. They clearly weren't that cool anyway.

romance and relationships