It's like dating...but not.

(Minor) Cultural Differences

2010-08-22T21:52:00.000-07:00

Within every romantic relationship, certain characteristics are attributed to our partners from the first moments of meeting. Whether we view our significant others with eyes of lust, respect, admiration, or contempt there are emotional reactions triggered by the presence of our partners. In my recent foray back into the pseudo-dating world I found that cultural differences can affect this view, but more importantly they can mislead a person into the abyss of ignorance with regards to the intentions of your sexual counterpart.

I discovered quickly that the customary and legendary "southern manners" this gentleman exemplified rapidly faded into the ether when any issue remotely consequential arose. He was a lovely boy. Well-mannered, articulate, and cordial all executed with a charming southern accent. The kind of guy who seems comfortable in most social situations. He would hold the door, pull out my chair, and guide me to walk on the side of the sidewalk furthest from the road, but that, my friends, is essentially meaningless.

I won't lie, I ate that shit up. My country club upbringing loved it. In the depths of my crusty, white teenage fantasies I always wanted a gentleman to court me properly. You know, in that incredibly old-timey and antiquated sense that would realistically make me want to punch the guy in the face? I thought for about a second that operation "Miss Darcy and her charming gentleman suitor" was underway and according to HQ, was being executed flawlessly. Then I remembered that I am not in 19th century aristocratic England, and descended back to the world of the living, and to the world of ultimately unfulfilled pseudo dating.

When I indicated my displeasure at the arrangement we had settled into (ie mostly late night encounters in his apartment) he responded with the understandable, yet cliched reply that he was not looking for a relationship. Fine, OK, I was not looking for a big commitment either, as this was still new. All I craved was more respect and consideration than a "booty call" (I feel strange even typing the phrase) scenario.

Silence.

Have not spoken since. So that pretty much answered my question.

I don't regret getting to know this fellow for a short while. It was fun and ultimately harmless to be honest. Southern charm is real, but in my case, the results just did not live up to the hype, but few things ever really do.

I'll tell you this though, as a lady whose previous romances have mostly been ones in which two pretty good friends hang out all the time and then sometimes run into each other sideways when too many Pabsts are consumed that evening, it actually felt fucking great to finally stand up and demand more for myself. Because Dammit! It's time that I accept the fact that someone might very well like me enough to want to take me out sometimes. I wish I had learned that many years ago.

Facebook friends and pseudodating

2010-05-26T22:20:00.001-07:00

Hello all you pseudodating folks, happy spring 2010. Today's post concerns Facebook. Yes, we all claim to "hate" it, especially now the majority of us are graduated. Nevertheless, I believe almost 100% of the people I know continue to use their profiles.

So, insert pseudodating problem. How soon is too soon to add (or be added) by a pseudodatee? I like to play hard and fast with rules, but any guidance is appreciated. I recently added one such person, after a near month and a half of pseudodating. Seems legitimate? Except...he was listed as "in a relationship"! Red flag #1, check. Yes, curiosity does kill the cat. Of course, this didn't stop me, instead I viewed it as a challenge of sorts.

Red flag #2, being deleted as his Facebook friend after a night of drunken tiffs. What's the deal with that? Can you just go and DELETE someone you are pseudodating because of ONE BAD DRUNKEN NIGHT? Without informing said person, namely me?

Red flag #3, breaking it off in a text message. Should I be surprised that someone who would vindictively delete me as his Facebook friend would also decide that a text message was the best way to cut things off? I'll answer my own question, "no." Did it feel like I was in the 8th grade again, "yes." I guess I can always count my lucky stars that this did not occur in Facebook chat, but we'll save that whole universe for another post.

The moral of this short story is to always be wary of befriending a pseudodater on Facebook. Especially someone you happen to be pseudodating. Who is in another relationship. Who believes text messages are the best way of communicating semi-serious ideas. And, who may or may not only have one testicle.

How old is too old?

2009-06-02T20:07:00.000-07:00

Simple question really. A very subjective one at that. After reading a bit of online commentary on the subject, it seems most believe it is a personal choice, but age differences too vast just don't seem to work out. And it is worth mentioning many of these May-December relationships involve a fair amount of money.
For the sake of this argument, money is not involved and the two parties involved were not particularly looking for a much older/younger person. How old is too old for a young lady to date? For much of history it was not up to the young ladies to decide their fate in relationships, but with these new found rights we have is dating an older man just perpetuating a stereotype? Or is age really just a number? Also, will it be doomed to fail from the beginning? All of these questions are valid, but there are no clear answers.
I have never dated a much older man, I think the biggest age difference boasted in my lifetime was when I was 19 pseudo-dating a 23 year old. Well folks, that personal record may be bested soon.... and perhaps I will even garner some personal answers to the questions above. We shall see. I would love some second opinions as well...

Stay tuned.

Back to work.

2009-05-29T16:14:00.000-07:00

Well, my lovelies (or anyone who could possibly still be reading this thing) Spring is here and summer is fast-approaching, so love is clearly in the air. Or is that the allergens? Either way both seem to have the same effect on me -- nothing. I have been up in the Portland area for a while now, and well, I have little to report on the PD front. But fear not, I do have something...

A month back or so, my previous pseudo-dating partner gave me a mysterious text message saying he wanted to talk. After recovering from the shock of him actually wanting to speak openly about "us" or whatever you want to call it, I called the man back. This was one of the more surprising conversations I had participated in for a while as I learned he "missed" me. He also dropped the old, "just got out of a long-distance relationship, and you were moving" line.

*Clarification* I am in no way making fun of this guy, it was actually quite nice to hear, and if that certain guys is reading this... I am really sorry if you are offended, but very few read this and only my blog partner knows who you are.

Back to the point, I was thrown off my game by these comments. So much so that I went to go see him later that night. My proverbial iron-clad shell had been melted (smelted?) away and I really did not stand up for myself as much as I should have. If he missed me, why didn't he call sooner? What happened to make him want to be with me now? And just how recently did this other relationship end?
The moral of this story is that it is still unfinished. I don't know the answers to any of the questions above, I still don't talk to him much, and I have no idea what his intentions (or mine for that matter) are for the future. Learn from my mistakes kids, make him answer your damn questions so you at least have some semblance of what to expect.
I hope to be better at keeping you all informed on the mythical theories of Pseudo-Dating which spring to mind from time to time. Also, I have some intersting hypotheses on what is going on with this guy, let you know if I am right.

The art of not staring deeply into someone's eyes

2009-02-02T11:55:00.000-08:00

I get asked the question quite frequently, "Emily, if I see a cute guy at a bar for instance, how do I actually get up the nerve to make conversation?" Your average dating advice giver might say "Well, duh, make eye contact" as a plausible and seeminly rational first step towards initiating contact.

However, as a dedicated devotee of pseudo-dating, I would argue the opposite. A key rule of pseudo-dating is to make as LITTLE eye contact as possible. Eye contact = interest = hope, and hope --> expectations. And remember, expectations are the number one no-no. At said party/bar/gathering/cafe, try to make eye contact with everyone BUT the person you are actually into. Talk to his/her friends and acquaintances, dance nearby, make funny and charming jokes within his/her auditory range, but never come into actual, normal contact with this person. Follow this up by continued avoidance, especially if you see this person on the street the next week or something horrible like that.

This is a key step to drawing out and ensuring your pseudo-dating capabilities. Because, c'mon, who would actually want to date like a normal person?

Follow up letters from NYT article

2009-01-23T13:16:00.000-08:00

Here are some letters of response to the New York Times article Emily posted a little ways back. Thought I would share these as they give a balanced and positive response to "The Demise of Dating," by Charles M. Blow.

Maybe the "hookup" and lack of formal dating is a good thing? Thoughts?

GOBAMA!

2009-01-20T15:34:00.000-08:00

Congrats from the ladies of Pseudodating to Perz Obama and VP Biden! Go America!

May the promising change to come also encompass all of your dating lives.

Words of wisdom.

2009-01-13T09:25:00.000-08:00

A friend fond of wearing bandanas gave me this pearl of great truth:

Emily, your blog isn't about dating, it's about guys trying to fuck girls and when they realize they can't, giving up.

Hmmm....

Scary movie, new revelation

2009-01-08T14:43:00.000-08:00

I recently experienced something in the world of dating that made me thankful for my apparent ability to attract the shy type-- attracting an asshole. It goes like this: meet random dude watching the Blazers game, meet up with him the next night in a public place, everything seems normal, go to movie, have to use physical strength to repel overzealous man in theater, get frightened, go to nearest friend's apartment building to escape and delete creepy man's phone number.

Basically, what I am getting at is smart women are inherently skeptical, and we are like that for a reason. This experience was a less than pleasant wake up call reminding me of just that. So be careful and don't take that shit. I should have just made a scene in that theater, slapped his face and let everyone know he was a perv. I know I will complain a bit less about the guys I am drawn to being less than daring in the dating department, as the alternative is much much worse.

A visual representation of the typical pseudo-dating relationship

2008-12-29T00:12:00.000-08:00

As illustrated by this representation of my last pseudo dating relationship over time nothing about these relationships are very satisfying. No real highs or lows for the majority of time, but the inconsistency remains evident. One week there seems to be potential, the next you seem pretty sure it is over for good. The thing to remember with PD is that you never know until the next night, expectations (again I know) are your worst enemy.

Also, notice the point at about Week 8 when things take a turn for the worst, Emily and I refer to this point as the "Oh my God what was I thinking point". It is the moment of clarity when you realize that this there is no future with this person or when all of the things that annoyed you finally materialize all at once as a giant amalgam of unattractiveness in your mind, or both. Once this epiphany has taken place, like the conclusion of your own personal vision quest, it is almost impossible to look at anything having to do with that relationship again. For example, abnormally long male finger nails combined with insecure asshole and unrelenting apathy makes an "Oh my God" moment.

My final tip: Don't let it last as long as I did. That was a boo boo.

Problem #2: Jealousy

2008-12-24T11:05:00.000-08:00

Hello all! Hope Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever holiday you celebrate is going well. I thought I'd give a little early presnt with my elaboration on the second tenet of pseudo-dating: thou shalt not be jealous (or at least hide it very well).

Jealousy in part stems from problem number one, expectations, as explained by my cohort Darcy. See, the problem with expectations is that they give you a distorted view of what is actually happening (or not happening) between you and person X. So, if you expect person X to call on Friday night, and they do not, it is a slippery slope towards...jealousy. If on this same night, said person is seen at a bar/party/movie/dinner with ANOTHER person (especially someone of the same sex as yourself), this can easily lead to all-consuming rage (as per ugly Roma girl post).

Is there a cure for jealousy? Hmm...one could send friends to casually "check out" the going-ons of this couple, while you sit and ponder the future of person X and this other unnamed human. It's obvious, they're in love, they're in a serious relationship which will obviously lead to a lasting and perfect marriage and cute kids and a dog and a nice house and an amazing life, while you are alone for the rest of your days, wondering why your psuedo-dating never led anywhere.

But really, the best cure is this, and I speak from experience: DRINK. I'm not talking a glass of wine with dinner, I'm talking stiff drinks and stout beers until this unpleasant feeling fades into the background. One caveat: stay away from person X while engaging in this behavior. Drunken crying slurring falling-down messes are no way to win back or show person X how great you really are.

Spotlight on: Korea

2008-12-21T20:49:00.001-08:00

In our never-ending quest to fully understand pseudo-dating, Darcy and I have started a round the world trek to compare the good ole US of A with a variety of other countries. Our first investigation takes us to Korea, South Korea to be specific (and entirely different than North Korea I would expect).

Does pseuodo-dating exist in this Asian Pacific country, home to over 49,000,000 souls? The answer is NO. Yes, in all caps, NO.

According to our very scholarly research, pseudo-dating is rarely practiced in the country. Meeting the opposite sex goes as follows:

1. Boy meets girl

2. Boy texts and calls girl repeatedly

3. Boy gets up nerve to ask girl what she wants to do, and on a specific day. Take note of the word "specific." There is no "Soo....I'm maybe going to like the bars later. Maybe we can meet up or something?" Instead, insert "Hi, I really want to hang out with you, would Thursday night at 9:00pm work for you?"

-If yes --> boy and girl have definitive, solid plans. Boy will continue to call/text girl everyday leading up to the date.

-If no --> boy asks girl "What about Friday?", continuing in this fashion until plans have been made.

4. Relationship ensues. Real, honest-to-god relationship.

Now, this may seem a little too straightforward for our developed American tastes. Darcy and I even thought we may call the boy a "stalker" among other terms, seeing that his persistence could turn south very quickly. This often leads to great confusion among Koreans attempting to date in the US. One friend thinks boys do not like her if they do not call/text immediately after getting her number...she obviously has a long way to go in understanding pseudo-dating. Sigh.

Nothing to do with pseudo-dating

2008-12-17T19:05:00.000-08:00

But hilarious. I always thought the idea of Street View on Google Maps was a bit creepy. What if they caught you doing something....unsavory in front of your house? I guess this runs in the family, as my grandpa has been flicked in front of his house sitting without a shirt on. That is how classy my family is.

Thanks Grandpa!

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Even the New York Times is on it...

2008-12-15T10:24:00.000-08:00

Read this, the last sentence in the article:

"It used to be that “you were trained your whole life to date,” said Ms. Bogle. “Now we’ve lost that ability — the ability to just ask someone out and get to know them.”"

Ok, that's it, Darcy and I should start a column for the NY Times.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/13/opinion/13blow.html?_r=1&em

Ugly cafe workers: The no-man's land of psuedo-dating exes

2008-12-12T01:55:00.000-08:00

We've all done it. Made that late night call, texted a "what's up" or "how's it going" on the sly when we're feeling bored and lonely. In my case, those fateful messages have ended up going to the inbox of one of my exes.

However, I made the Numero Uno mistake: EXPECTATIONS. As Darcy explained, these are the death of any psuedo-dating relationship. Once one of the parties involved starts to create these, there is no hope, absolutely none.

I get this, I know. But with exes, expectations are almost built into the equation; you can't factor them out. You have accumulated so much time with that person, it is near impossible to see them without these. A kiss is not just a kiss, it's the end result of years of dating (even if you are broken up). A kiss is how the relationship started in the beginning --> more --> dating --> more --> relationship status.

But the moral of the story is that you are most likely better off never texting that ex in the first place. What good is it worth? Is one night of a body next to you in bed worth the emotional/mental/physical turmoil it may bring out from hiding? I think not. Trust me. Or else you too will see your ex dating an ugly girl from the coffee shop you frequent EVERY DAY, and it will fill you with rage. At him, at the ugly girl, and at the thought you can't get coffee for who in god's name knows how long.

Cut the cord and do it with style!

2008-12-09T12:17:00.000-08:00

When the time comes for the inevitable awkward ending to the pseudo-relationship there are necessary steps one should take in order to come out of the situation with dignity, self-respect, and a dominant victory over the other party involved. The idea is plain and simple, you need to win, and win big. This is not mature, civil or really necessary, but let's all be real here, it is fucking awesome to win.

So, first thing is first, you should be the one to end things if you haven't already been beaten to the punch. It should be done face to face, as bringing the subject up through text or a phone call can lead to confusion as cadence does not often translate through those mediums. Plus, there is the inevitable verbal diarrhea (if you are like myself) that is much easier to understand when accompanied by body language.

Once you have laid down the law, the most important step is to be the one that cares LESS. Typically, you are not that attached to this person anyway so let them know that. Here are some friendly tips:

Don't make eye contact unless speaking directly to your opposition.
Buy a new article of clothing, it will catch their eye without being obvious (nothing too skanky ladies, please). Plus, shopping is fun.
Use humor to your advantage. Sarcastic comments to the other person are effective, mostly harmless, and if done well, fucking funny.

ie: take small jabs at appearance, something stupid they have done in the past (preferably when you were pseudo-dating), or point out a small hypocrisy they exhibit. Always do this in front of people so the other person will not get defensive and make a scene. Remember, it is only funny if it is true.

Always have a great time when you see them in group situations, but don't pay them any attention.
Most importantly: don't sweat it. They clearly weren't that cool anyway.

romance and relationships

The inevitable fate of a pseudo-dater.

2008-12-08T13:38:00.000-08:00

Well, it seems to be that time of the year again for all those in between relationships facing the X-Mas season. The question always comes around when the air gets colder, the leaves of autumn are gone, and the term comes to an abrupt end, "What happens over the month long break?"
Well, for some they are fortunate enough to be in the same place as their insignificant other and therefore are able to carry on "seeing each other" without interruption or having to have "the talk" about their future. Others, more mature others, sit down, have the talk and can go about their time of relaxation without worry or confusion. For this pseudo-dater, my fate is possibly the worst of all. This particular boy, emphasis on boy, simply left town over the weekend to go home, and neglected to tell me he was gone for the break. That's right, gone for the month. Now, I do not anger easily when it comes to pseudo-dating. It seems in the last few years I have seen it all when it comes to this stuff, but finding out from his roommates that he won't be back till the new year was not the way I thought this would go down. I found myself having to plug my ears to keep the steam from spewing out like a pressure cooker's vent.
This instance of unscrupulous behavior leads to the explanation of the inevitable fate of all people in these dysfunctional relationships: EXPECTATIONS!
Expectations are a pseudo-daters' worst enemy. There is no way to combat the human-nature of wanting someone to show you the same courtesy as you show them, and it has been my experience (in both giving and receiving) that it will never happen in this type of relationship. As soon as you begin to expect certain things out of a person, the "relationship" will almost always let you down because it is not actually a relationship. Therefore, learn a lesson from my train wrecks: keep it light, make sure it is still fun to be around this person, and if you get fed-up, get the FUCK out, it will only get worse from there.

So, why are we here exactly?

2008-12-06T17:39:00.001-08:00

Well, let us answer that question for you. We are Emily and Darcy and, frankly, we are a bit peeved. The concept of a young man and young woman (let's say about college-aged) actually participating in the ancient custom of dating or courtship has seemed to have all but diminished completely in this post-modern age. Think about it.... what actually are the events that lead to a relationship? Do people pick a partner, casually get to know them, and take each other out on actual, real-life, legitimate "dates"? Not so much. In the real world of early-adulthood, people who travel in the same circles of friends/activities/interests/classes randomly stumble into each other sideways one drunken evening and end up fooling around in some sense of the phrase. Then, statistically speaking (if it was not an act of incredibly unethical means) it will happen again. The cat's out of the bag at that point and then one will find themselves on a slippery-slope teetering on the brink between friendship and dating. This blog is to serve as the complete manual on pseudo-dating from two girls who know way too much about what it means to be between the in between when it comes to men.

Key signs of pseudo-dating

2008-12-06T11:40:00.001-08:00

What exactly IS this "pseudo-dating" then? While it is by nature ambiguous, and hence challenging for even the most seasoned veterans to define, there are some basic and unavoidable symptoms, ie:

you meet this "other person" through school, friends, etc...usually in a completely awkward way
there is only moderate physical attraction between you and him/her
little to no physical contact happens for at least 3-4 weeks; if and when touching does occcur, it will invariably be both extremely uncomfortable and extremely late at night
absolutely no public displays of affection, as this would signal the existence of a bona fide "relationship," an abominable term that pseudo-daters avoid at all costs

This is only a short introduction, but should suffice for the time being.